Big topic for a first time writer. I suck at typing so bear w/me.
First I guess I can start with IT CAN BE DONE! I still can't wrap my head around the fact I've been sober for a bit over a year now. I make no mistake it is an ongoing fete. I used to drink for "fun" (whatever that means) but at the end of this ridiculous and totally avoidable junry, I was deduced to drinking just to not shake so bad I couldn't even hold a glass to take a sip of water. If I didn't drink a 1/2 pint(vodka, altough any hard liquor would sufice)I/d vomit
until I kept enough in my blood the chill me out ....for awhile. I went to 3 or was it 4 re habs (I always thought "if I could just get detoxed, get past that NEED physically, I would never get like that again) But alas I only quit due to being rushed to the hospital only to have the doc's tell my family "she would surly have died within the hour had you not brout her in". I was in the hospital for a mounth. & even the first week or 10 days, whatever Did it occure to me to just stop. The hospital had to detox me on the road to just regular health, so finally I guess it just clicked! JUST STOP! I don't know how or why, cuz itbwasn't a fear of death....I wished that some=many times, I thin k I was just tired......just tired of IT!
I hadn't shit in like 2 weeks, and got forbid I had eaten for that wouldn't even cross my god forsaked ever sloshed mind. Nope, not water a cracker or a ensure...if it wasn't liquor it didn't pass through these lips. I was pathetic.....couldn't/would't drive. Had siesures, forgot....everything. Blackouts, I even missed my own mothers memorial when she passed(about 2 years ago-or so...I have no real consept of time, It led to promiscuaty, bad judgment. God I couln't tell you which is worse...not remembering all these ?good times" my family recalls & I don't or the thankfullness I feel because I can't remember all the stupid shit said or done while smashed out of my gord. It runs in my family though I dont know that that information help me . My dad died in prison a few years back, doing time for manslaughter. Drinking and driving. He hit an on coming car and the passenger was holding(nursing no less) her brand new 6 month old baby when.....BAM! Just like that. Baby just got here on earth, went flying out the front windshield. Of couse my dad was barly hurt, it always happens like that....the drunk dosent feel a thing. I only saw him once in jail. I never visited him again. Not sure why. Guilt. Shame? The pain of seeing he in there? & the guilty feeling of knowing he killed that baby girl. Or was it cuz I was so consumed by my own disease I couldn't bother. I loved my daddy & my mamma, but it wasn't evough to quit. I could go on about how I had a hard childhood, how I was molested, how my parents got divorsed or how I felt abandoned by, at some point both my parents. But it still boils down to the fact I was a drunk. what an ugly word. We hate to be catagorized as such don't we? I wasn 't even a "fun" drunk, I stayed back in my room, never in public, sat up long enough to drink then fall back asleep, I wasn;t even good enough to just stay asleep....no I kept wakeing up just long enough to remind my so of the pathtic life I've carved out formyself then I could fall back in to my forever comfot of sleep. Where I didn't feel" anything.
