Spring is here. Whoopee. Hooray.
The grass is greening. The flowers are blooming. The birds are chirping. And the weeds are running amuck.
Many lovely people enjoy spending endless enchanted hours of happy time in their gardens. However, you will not find me hunched over digging in the worm-filled dirt.
Ten Reasons I Am Totally Unfit for Gardening
- Pollen is in the … Ah Chooo! (Yes, it’s allergy time)
- I break out in a rash when I look at goldenrod, trees, grass, leaves, bark, garden tools, and especially rubber gloves.
- I do not have the calves of a potato farmer. (Thank God)
- I have to wear a gas mask to walk the weed killer aisle in the hardware store. Too much of an assault on the olfactory senses. (Not to mention a genetic predisposition to cancer phobias)
- I cannot tell a legume from a key lime jelly bean.
- Manicures cost a lot of money. (Enough said)
- You just can’t garden in high heels. (I know, I’ve tried)
- Nobody—not your adorable five-year-old daughter nor your eighty-five-year-old granny—looks fashionable in perky bright orange, chunky plastic gardening clogs.
- Bees. Wasps. Yellow jackets. Black Widow spiders. Scorpions. Snakes. (DUH!)
- I want to stop and smell the roses, not nurture them through fungus and middle school.
Oh well. Once a cosmopolitan big city dweller, always a big loser in the garden. Costco and Pro Flowers have great deals on fresh cut flowers—you can skip that whole planting, yard, growing part.
Stop and smell the roses—then get outta there! Ah Chooo!
