What Your Dream Wedding Dress Says About You

Are you having a wedding, or are you being crowned the queen of Luxembourg? If you wear a giant pouffy tulle confection of a gown, we know which you secretly think it is. Giant ball gowns say “It’s my pretty princess day, and everyone has to do exactly what I say, even if that includes wearing fuchsia taffeta gowns with butt bows!” They also say, “I am twenty-two years old, and the fact that my new husband and I will be living in a tiny one-bedroom apartment with no room to store this thing has not even crossed my mind!”

If you’re wearing a lace dress, you’re probably closer to thirty than to twenty, live with your fiancé already, have a job that doesn’t involve wearing a nametag, and are contributing to a 401(k). A lace dress tells the world you’re elegant, but sensible. After your wedding, you’ll take a honeymoon to an interesting cultural destination (the Dalmatian Coast? Macchu Picchu?) and then spend your weekends at antique stores and Home Depot.

You believe a wedding should be—first and foremost—a party, and nothing says “party” like a kicky cocktail dress. You are casual and fun (and probably a little too drunk at your reception). You certainly don’t look like a pile of meringue on your wedding day. That said, you may always wonder if you made the right decision to forgo the one opportunity each woman is granted to look like a pile of meringue without judgment.

You’re fiercely independent, to the point of going against the grain purely out of habit. You like to buck tradition just for the sake of bucking tradition, no matter how often your grandmother warns you that a red dress might give her a heart attack. It’s your wedding, dammit, and you’re going to do it the way you want to.

You want the world to know how much you’re not into the whole wedding thing, and how much you’re waaay more alternative and indie than most brides are. Secretly, though, you want the poofy giant meringue dress.

Strapless, white, A-line gowns are the vanilla ice cream of the wedding dress world—not exactly offensive, but definitely a safe, predictable, and boring choice. They say, “This was on the mannequin in the store when I walked in.” You want the typical all-American wedding—complete with a reading from 1 Corinthians, chintzy table favors, a first dance to “At Last,” and a honeymoon at an all-inclusive resort in Jamaica.

You want to look bridal—but sexy bridal. Wearing a slinky, body-conscious wedding dress tells the entire world how hot you think you are. To be fair, you probably are, because slinky, body-conscious dresses don’t look very good on most people.

What you think it says: “I am traditional and home-oriented, and I’m so happy to honor my mom by wearing her dress!”
What it actually says: “My mom totally guilt-tripped me into wearing this. Oh well, at least I didn’t have to spend any money on it.”

Photo credit: distar97

A thrift-store dress says, “I don’t care about the wedding, it’s the marriage itself that counts! Also, I’m poor.”

Photo credit: dno1967b

An over-the-top expensive dress, whether it’s made of a thousand yards of hand-stitched silk or festooned with blood diamonds, tells the world that you have more money than taste. The cost of the bride’s dress has no bearing on the guests’ enjoyment of the wedding. In fact, it gives them the right to silently grumble about all the details you decided to cut corners on. “She spent $10,000 on a dress but wouldn’t spring for an open bar? Cheapskate.”

You are Courtney Stodden.

Photo credit: Tee.Vo76\

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