Navel-Gazing: Fashions of the Golden Globes

Renae: I am reluctant to share my real thoughts about this ensemble for fear that Her Highness Angelina will shout, “Off with her head!” and then send a deck of anthropomorphized cards to chase after me.

Amy: Blasphemy! She looks amazing. Dramatic, elegant, severe, regal … okay I get your point, but she’s on my best-dressed list.

Renae: This dress is a winner, but the real attraction here is Claire Danes’s ability to turn her head nearly 180 degrees. I hope she visited a priest after the awards ceremony.

Amy: She probably does yogi spine twists to warm up for red-carpet events. But back to the dress: it’s phenomenal from all angles—so sleek and architectural without being boring or over-the-top weird like many other stars last night.

Renae: Like the colors, hate the dress. It’s like she got attacked by gothic drapery at whatever broody hotel she was staying at and rather than freeing herself from the chiffon entanglement, she opted to cinch it together with an eagle belt. Did I just alienate everybody on the planet?

Amy: Just about because Emma Stone cannot look bad, no matter what gothic chiffon drapes her body. That said, she’s probably had better dresses before. I do love the neckline and shoulders, though.

Renae: Please help me figure out why this isn’t working. Is it the oversized pearl earrings? The mock turtleneck? Her strange noncommittal hairdo? She’s so pretty and vivacious, but this look makes me think of Golden Girls.

Amy: All of the above? It’s a little mother-of-the-bride for me. And her hair should not be down with that neckline.

Renae: Kate Beckinsale must have been sorely disappointed when she realized she was at the Golden Globes and not her own wedding eight years ago. No matter, the blushing bride looks stunning.

Amy: There were so many ivories and beiges and creams last night, it seems many stars wanted to reenact their weddings. Are neutrals a hot fashion trend or is it some psychological manifestation/ coping mechanism for the constant divorces Hollywood saw last year? Who am I kidding; it’s clearly the latter.

Renae: I want to love this, really I do. I love Kate, I love her accessories, and as a general rule, I love black on top, white on bottom. But I wish she went with something more structured on top. The semi-gathered sort of frilly keyhole thing is not doing her justice.

Amy: I’m sorry, I missed everything you said. Kate’s dress put me to sleep.

Amy: So much fabric, yet so little ability to move her legs apart. There’s something space-agey going on with her silver hair and those pointy Joan Jetson shoulders. Overall, she’s on my worst-dressed list.

Renae: Not only is there something space-agey and Joan Jetson-ish going on here, there’s also something aquatic about this dress. The bottom looks like a starfish that’s suctioning her to the red carpet. She’s on my worst-dressed list too, but she’d make a great Ursula if there’s ever a non-cartoon remake of The Little Mermaid, so there’s that.

Amy: I love the chain-mail bodice and flattering neckline. But then something beautiful devolves into what reminds me of a briar patch.

Renae: I don’t hate this. But I can’t look at it for very long lest my conflicting feelings take me over and cause emotional paralysis.

Amy: I love the headband, but wish she had worn something a little more va-va-voom-y to accept her award for her role as Marilyn Monroe (you know, something like what fellow nominee Charlize Theron had on). On the other hand, maybe I should stop expecting the actors to resemble their characters when the movie is over.

Renae: Every time I see this, I get excited for a split second because I think it’s a purple leopard-print sweater dress since I have one of those and I like to project my wardrobe onto celebrities and then congratulate myself for being ahead of the curve, but then I look closer and realize it’s some sort of chiffon-velvet non-leopard hybrid, which makes me sad and confused.

Amy: Speaking of an actress that seems to embody her character: Rooney Mara looks as severe and morose as I’d imagine Lisbeth would look at a fancy event like this. The skirt seems a bit heavy for what’s happening at the top.

Renae: I agree about the skirt not quite matching the top. I wish it were tapered at the bottom with just a slight flare rather than that lumpy ruffle trim. I also wish she’d wear hear hair down or spike it back into a Lisbeth-style Mohawk one of these days, just so we know she has it.

Amy: I think I’m spotting a trend: metal. Nicole Richie looked so wonderfully slinky, not unlike the actual toy. This is one of the best, in my opinion.

Renae: Slinky and pretty, yes, but not captivating enough to keep my mind from wandering to Tilda Swinton, who, in all of her Bowie-esque glory, was number one on my best-dressed list last night.

Renae: Everything about this look works: the juxtaposition of her structured jacket with her uber feminine, flowy skirt; her pale skin and shock of platinum hair against the soft lavender hue—Tilda is a fashion goddess among mere mortals and tops my best-dressed list. Of course, I’m prone to develop crushes on stars who resemble androgynous aliens, so there’s that.

Amy: I’ll ignore for a moment that we cannot trust your judgment when it comes to Tilda. Your mind becomes so clouded with adoration, it’s only by chance and the fact that she is so fabulous that you happen to be right just about every time. But I digress—as usual, she looks wonderfully herself. I think Tilda defies best-dressed lists. She needs her own list: The Most Tilda-y. She’d probably win every time but at least then other actresses might step up their games.

Amy: This could very well be the poster for some new live-action Disney princess movie. Perhaps Sarah Michelle Gellar’s daughter picked out both misguided poofy gowns? I don’t love this very much, but Piper did look as if she was having a blast with her voluminous sheer skirt.

Renae: Slow clap for Sarah Michelle Gellar. I can’t say I love the gown, but it took some chutzpah to wear this ensemble and I appreciate her sense of humor. The jolt of color helps me know I’m alive after gazing into the abyss of Piper’s smock.

Amy: Love, love, love. Many stars chose a blush or neutral number last night, but I think this rendition is the best.

Renae: The color is great, though I could do without the headband and the belt. In fact, despite Charlize’s otherworldly beauty, I think Kate Beckinsale outshined her in the almost-white dress category last night. Can we still be friends?

Amy: Nope. I think this is it for us.

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