M E M O R A N D U M
To: My employers -
Cole, CEO of Crying For No Reason
Bella, President of Being Extremely Sensitive and Emotional
Garrett, Vice President of Being Overly Demanding
Landon, Director of All Things Smelly
From: Your dedicated, hard-working employee (aka - Mommy)
First, let me start this memo off by saying how wonderful it has been working for you all. When I was hired for the position of “Mother”, I truly underestimated just how fulfilling and rewarding it would be. Each day is full of new adventures, among other things (yeah, let’s just leave it at that, shall we?).
There are some things I’ve been wanting to address with you and I feel now is as good a time as any. I mean, it’s not like you all could fire me … right?
1) My hours: When I was initially hired, I understood the position called for twenty-four hour shifts. I had no problem with that. It was a new job for me … one that I had never done before and I welcomed the hours with open arms. However, over time, I feel like you all have been taking advantage of me. You never mentioned that the twenty-four hour shifts would be never-ending. I’m being paged at odd hours almost every single night (like 3:15 am) and I’m expected to work overtime quite frequently (although is there such a thing as overtime when I’m working never ending twenty-four hr shifts?)
I am proposing a change in my hours (don’t you love how I make it sound as if it’s your decision but we all know it’s really not). I would appreciate not being expected to clock in any earlier than 7:00 am and I’d like to complete my work day by at least 8:00 pm, if not earlier.
I’d also like to only be on-call at night for emergencies only, like when you have a nightmare in the middle of the night or if you wet your bed … emergencies that do not constitute paging me: you have a booger in your nose that’s not quite within your reach or because you’re scared that your eyelashes are going to disappear if you close your eyes for too long. I haven’t decided if “my butt itches” is considered an emergency … I suppose it depends on WHY your butt itches but, chances are, it’s something that can wait until the next morning.
2) My benefits: This falls right in line with my hours (see above). I would like to be able to take personal days here and there, as needed. Of course, I would give you advance notice so you could find a temporary replacement (might I suggest your father, who is perfectly capable of filling in for me).
Oh, and you are no longer allowed to cry, whine and scream to me “Mommy, I want you …” as I’m running out the door. Guilt trips will no longer be acceptable. I also would appreciate regular fifteen minute meal breaks and five minute potty breaks for every two hours that I work. I think that’s very reasonable.
Furthermore, I will be taking sick days, as needed. Nothing excessive but if I should come down with a blinding migraine (that, chances are, you all caused … and I say that with all due respect of course), I’d like to know that I won’t have the added pressure of having to work that day.
Again, your father is a willing and able substitute in my absence (he may not be aware that he’s willing and able but, trust me, he is).
Even though this is not a paid position, it would be nice every once in awhile to receive a gift certificate from you for a massage or a mani/pedi (just to show your appreciation of all my hard work).
