My husband and I have been married for three years and are starting to get the baby pressure. The pressure comes from all over: friends, family, and now, my doctor. My doctor looked at my chart for my last check up and said, “are you going to start trying?” I said I wasn’t sure, not yet, maybe next year ... I don’t know.
Then she told me I shouldn’t wait until thirty. I was shocked. I thought the magic number was thirty-five; I had an uncle who just had triplets with his forty-nine-year-old wife without help. So how is thirty too old? She said that 90 percent of my eggs are gone and I am married so it isn’t about finding the man but making the leap.
The problem is that when I look at my life, there are two roads I could take. I could be a mom, and a great mom. I love kids and they love me. I can be the smart, well-adjusted person that should be having children. And there is this feeling in my stomach that makes me want a baby so deeply that it scares me.
The other road is of a life with adventure, travel, culture. We could live very comfortably seeing the world and having the weekends to ourselves. Sometimes, we stay in bed all day just making love (but frankly, dirtier than that) then take a nap then doing it all over again. I can see us going to the four corners of the earth and loving every minute of it and loving each other.
My worst fear is that the love and the financial security that comes with being a D.I.N.K. (Dual Income, No Kids) couple will vanish. That we will be strained forever and always be saving for the kids rather than what we are passionate about.
I don’t know if I am ready to give it all up yet. I feel like one dream will have to die in order for another dream to flourish. I feel like saying that I can have both is just a lie to make me feel better. So I sit here wondering which woman I want to be and what that means to me.
