I Hate Loving You

I hate that I ever loved you. I hate it. I hate everything about our relationship. I told you that I would always have beautiful memories. But that was a lie. There was nothing beautiful about us. To be so sad and so angry at the same time. Like I want to cry while smashing glass bottles against a concrete wall. I idolized you. I respected you. I admired you. But you were a poor choice for an idol. Not deserving of my admiration. Not worthy of my respect. Those things are to be earned. But you did not earn them. I gave them to you. I just gave them to you. And you didn’t have to work for them. That was my error. I let my heart get ahead of my mind. But my mind is my strength. It is rational and it is what protects me. My heart opened up to you. Because I wanted to believe in you. You of all people. I wanted to believe that you were worthy. But you weren’t. You never were. I knew it then. I know it now. But I still wanted to try. I should have never tried. Should have never let you come back to hurt me again. I never imagined that it would be this bad. I thought I could handle it. Could take whatever you would throw at me. But I miscalculated. At least in the short-term. I know there is some great gain to be had here. I just haven’t reached it yet. But I will. I will get there. And when I do it will have nothing to do with you. Because you will be dead to me once more.