DO put it in perspective. If you’re dumped, it hurts. But count your lucky stars. You don’t have a relationship if the other person’s not really interested.
DO understand that there were problems already. It’s never easy to find out that your relationship—whether long or short—is over. Once bonded, even if the relationship is terrible, both men and women have trouble breaking away. So if you’re dumped, the other person really wanted out.
DON’T idealize a bad relationship. In counseling, people who got dumped, every client realized the warning signs that were ignored early in the relationship. Don’t pick out the few good moments you remember and ignore what wasn’t working.
DO try to learn from the experience. After the initial upset, review the dynamics of the relationship and analyze what went wrong, what you could have done differently, and what you learned. There’s no need to give yourself a hard time about it, just process the information, so you don’t repeat mistakes.
DON’T expect closure from the dumper. It is lovely when two civilized grown-ups can dissect what happened in the relationship, tell the truth, ask for forgiveness, and absolve each other. But this usually happens years later. Closure requires getting truthful answers to your questions about what happened—to understand why. After a breakup, both of you are upset, hurt, and guilty and probably won’t be telling the truth, even if you understand it. Neither of you really wants to hear the truth this soon. Longing to talk “just once more” to your ex is just asking for pain.
Adapted from Tina Tessina’s book, The Unofficial Guide to Dating Again
DO understand that there were problems already. It’s never easy to find out that your relationship—whether long or short—is over. Once bonded, even if the relationship is terrible, both men and women have trouble breaking away. So if you’re dumped, the other person really wanted out.
DON’T idealize a bad relationship. In counseling, people who got dumped, every client realized the warning signs that were ignored early in the relationship. Don’t pick out the few good moments you remember and ignore what wasn’t working.
DO try to learn from the experience. After the initial upset, review the dynamics of the relationship and analyze what went wrong, what you could have done differently, and what you learned. There’s no need to give yourself a hard time about it, just process the information, so you don’t repeat mistakes.
DON’T expect closure from the dumper. It is lovely when two civilized grown-ups can dissect what happened in the relationship, tell the truth, ask for forgiveness, and absolve each other. But this usually happens years later. Closure requires getting truthful answers to your questions about what happened—to understand why. After a breakup, both of you are upset, hurt, and guilty and probably won’t be telling the truth, even if you understand it. Neither of you really wants to hear the truth this soon. Longing to talk “just once more” to your ex is just asking for pain.
Adapted from Tina Tessina’s book, The Unofficial Guide to Dating Again
