When do you start taking your own advice? I don’t know. Seems simple enough right? Yet somehow it’s a task so difficult, and perhaps gut-wrenching. There is something about one’s own advice, it’s so real, pure, and outlined in truth. I don’t know where I would be today if I took my own advice from day one. Maybe a happy place, maybe in a better and deeper relationship, or maybe alone? Maybe my love and I would have found our bliss and common ground instead of complete turmoil. Who knows?
What I do know is that I can’t tear myself apart dissecting that thought, yet I am inclined to. My mind is a battleground, it really is. I am constantly fighting with myself, with reality, or with the “idea of what it could be.” Yet it all leads me back to the unknown and an utter state of confusion. It is not the best place to be, take that from an expert. I find myself asking if I need to walk away from a love I spent nearly a decade with? Do I hold on to the little glimpses of how good we can be? Or do I acknowledge the subtle aches of my heart? I wrote for Divine Caroline back in September 2009 and I stumbled back to the site through Googling “how to move on” (even though I am not technically broken up, it’s at a pause so to say) and I remembered the articles I once wrote. Hesitantly and with one eye open I read them, slowly. I sat in awe, I cried. I was in disbelief. So much of what was going on in 2009 is still happening. Not much has changed; the same emotions, the same pain, and the same problems. How could I have let three years pass by me so swiftly and with so little change? I felt a shortness of breath and I talked myself out of an anxiety attack. What am I doing wrong? Too many questions flooded and I had to disregard them all to avoid a nuclear breakdown. I calmed down, began writing, and here I am. I feel like this is a rude awakening. Walking away from someone you absolutely love is probably one of the hardest things you can do in life. When you realize you don’t bring out the best in each other, when you realize love isn’t everything, and when you realize perhaps it is time to let go. I have a very big decision to make, and this time I have to stick to it.
